Some wacky thoughts on presence

Writing has been a little hard to sit down and do lately, not because I’m stumped for ideas, but because I’ve been so immersed in life. This is not to say that one cannot write or share when one is immersed, because ideally we’d always be living life with fullness and presence…but recently, I’ve been handed the most fantastical reality that may take some months to process and actually write about. Anywho. This post isn’t (specifically) about that.

In this reality of mine, I have been experiencing nearly every moment as one that will soon pass. It’s tragic, but I know it’s going to happen. In moments of pure joy and peace, I have reminded myself of this fact: this is going to become a memory. In a moment of pure joy and peace, I often find myself jumping forward to the moment in which this is a memory, and feeling heartbroken in advance. Something I’ve gotten better at is just as quickly jumping back and saying to myself well, but I am here now and this is all there is and let me just experience it for what it is. It gives me no choice but to be fully here. I wonder if this sounds obvious, because it is. It is obvious and tragic and also profound and magical.

When I think about ‘truth’, that thing that everyone wants to get their hands on, I think about the limited-ness of the English language to tell you what my truth currently is. But I’ve also been finding that there’s an undercurrent to all the truths that I’ve stumbled upon as my own, a thread that in some intuitive way tells me that all of this is pointing to one thing.

I realize I may be sounding esoteric as heck. I’m not even grounding any of these thoughts in quirky relatable anecdotes. Something about what I’m experiencing feels too sacred to share details and ins and outs and chronological events. But I wouldn’t have gotten here if not for some serious stumbling, anxiety, ‘failure’, and other kinds of daily deaths. All of which led me to a state of having no choice but to be present with my feelings, and using that knowledge, that knowledge of ‘now’ to guide my next step.

At every given moment, I feel my heart expand with the knowing that this will not only pass, but this is all there is, right now. It’s intense. I momentarily wonder, if this is all there is, and it keeps changing, and I can hold on to nothing, then what’s the point? Maybe that’s the point.