Temporary springtime

Hello!

I thought I’d give it a few days at least before writing another post (or should I call this a letter?) but I’m thinking of scrapping my ideas of schedules and to-do lists. This morning I was wondering whether it is possible to function productively without a to-do list, but now upon writing this I feel this is a silly thing to wonder because not making to-do lists is exactly what I’ve been doing lately and I am doing just fine. There was a time when I would start my day with to-do lists, which embarassingly included things like

• make breakfast

• make bed

• feed cats

Reason being that I did those things anyway and so ticking them off triggered that wonderful feeling of accomplishment that is the reason we make such lists in the first place.

I digress though. A thought I had just now as I eat my masala Slanty was about seasons. Currently, I am experiencing in my life a season of bursting and yet calm and flowing creative energy, that I am channeling into writing, painting, making videos, and practicing guitar. I feel amazing during seasons like this, like anything is possible and that nothing could make me upset. I cannot even fathom the fact that I could possibly feel sad and despairing again, because if I can tap into this feeling without doing anything at all, just making stuff and expressing myself, then what’s the problem?

The “problem” is that I recognize that even this brimming energy I’m feeling is not going to last. The reason this is not a sad thought is, partially, because it means I’m saying fuck-you to schedules and to-do lists and plans for my day and week and month. I’m not sure if it’s the Capricorn in me that’s drawn to this form of faux-productive organizational techniques, or just a fallback of this new capitalist do-what-you-love economy. Either way, I’m not doing it.

The reason I know this is not going to last is because last month, I was truly in (what felt like) the depths of despair. I was sad for weeks, unable to work the creative bones that I know exist in my body, and just not feeling like myself. And at that time it really felt like this would last forever.

The thing is…it never does. And that’s why it’s also okay that this springtime energy of this moment- and it really is my Spring. My period just ended and I feel like I better capitalize on the few days of the month I don’t feel like everything sucks- is not a forever thing. I have to also recognize the importance of rest, ruts, and restful ruts. I recognize that feelings are always moving, shifting, dissolving and transforming. Did you know that the lifespan of an emotion is about 90 seconds?

So I guess this is just a reminder to take the shittiness with a pinch of salt, and revel in the goodness when it does show up.