To be The Fool

I was afraid I didn’t know how to write anymore. I also have been going through all kinds of internal changes that I thought I couldn’t begin to articulate..but perhaps I don’t have to. I’ll start with what I’ve been upto lately.

At around the end of September, post-solo-trip and in the midst of a state of floaty elatedness, I became obsessed with birth charts and astrology. I downloaded books, started to ask everyone the time that they were born with a manic twinkle in my eye, and exchanged notes with some of my already divinity-digging friends. Right now, I’m not as neck-deep in the world of astrology, but I have been exploring its sister-world of Tarot.

I ordered a deck from Daraz (of all places) around the same time as I was reading birth charts, because suddenly this felt like a calling of sorts for me too. I found this beautifully illustrated set of cards called the Modern Witch Tarot Deck and ordered it almost immediately, unwisely choosing to pay online - I say unwise because you never know with local orders whether you will receive what you asked for in decent condition (or at all). It took about two weeks to reach me, and there were minor tiny dents in some of the cards, but I let them slide, and with some use, they are now all nice and flat.

Earlier this month, I started to toy with the idea of illustrating tarot cards my own way. Who had ever heard of Tarot cards featuring women from the subcontinent? I hadn’t. I did a few searches and found nothing like it to exist. At first, I thought I’d begin by making them by hand with my favourite medium to paint with - gouache - one by one by one. But this would be a tall order, because I’m foraying into a world that I do not yet know like the back of my had, and I would most definitely need an undo button. This necessitates that my venture be digital. But I did not yet own a drawing device.

And so I must tell you that another idea I’d been toying with for months was getting my hands on an iPad. I never saw this through because A) I doubted my ability to monetize my art from the get-go, making me feel unjustified in following through with such a big purchase, and B) because I’m suspicious of all things Apple, their unnecessarily expensive accessories and planned obsolescence. But unfortunately these guys rule the market and their products are, well, objectively good. And anyway now I had a project, just for me. It wasn’t about “making money” and “justifying my purchase”. I knew that this was what I needed to see this, and future projects, come to fruition.

So, on the second Monday of November, only a few days after I first had all these ideas (I can be an impulsive one), I began to mobilize my resources. I called the bank guy to help me pull out some of my savings (what have I been saving for anyway?), asked my dad to call our electronics guy to see what our options were, and by Tuesday, I had my shiny new Tarot-making device.

So far, I’ve made 5 cards: The Fool, The Magician, The High Priestess, The Empress, and The Emperor. Here are some of them:

I. The Magician

III. The Empress

IV. The Emperor

So here is a glimpse into some of what I’ve been upto. Other things include working (slowly…so slowly) on my final year Psychology thesis, in which I’m exploring how personal autonomy affects the personalities and well-being(s?) of women in Pakistani society. I’m also still teaching yoga twice a week, the usual.

And through all of this, I’m continuing to question it all. My decisions, the past, where I currently I am in life, why I’m not as far ahead as everyone else seems to be. I question my heart more than anything sometimes, as much as I don’t want to and as much as I want to trust her more than anyone else, I still ask myself why I haven’t learned to protect myself more, to make more right and correct decisions, keeping my future in mind at all times. Openness has led to a lot of good things, as it does. But it also leads to all kinds of heartbreak and grief and so often, regret. I can never really know what I’m getting into when I’m getting into it, such as with this Tarot project (will I do all 78 cards? Will I quit less than halfway?), as with my degree, as with my relationships. It breaks my flow, all this self-questioning. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t written in so long.

But last night, I started to read this book on how to interpret the cards. The introductory chapter hones in on the first card of the deck, numbered 0, called The Fool. Today, after having written a few words over here on something else entirely and not feeling happy with it, I opened up a recently uploaded YouTube video by a creator I follow. His video was about the archetype of The Fool. When I saw this, I think my jaw internally dropped. I was like ok synchronicity, I see you. And then I knew what I actually had to write about.

The Fool was the first card I illustrated, to kick off this whole project. The Fool can sometimes be associated with stupidity and a lack of wisdom, with naivete and poor judgment. But it may actually be the most profound card of all the Major Arcana; I wonder, why else would this archetype be the first card of the deck? What can it mean to be so naive and innocent, to step into the unknown without fear? The Fool seems to be dancing herself off a cliff in her quest for adventure. Her companion animal seems to be trying to warn her not to jump, but she’s kinda blithe. She’s not scared. She’s fully embracing the dance of life, the mystery of it all, with a knowledge that she doesn’t even know she has that she will be okay through all of it.

I’m beginning to think it’s not about justifying my actions anymore, or even attempting to make sense of all the dots that led me here. Perhaps it’s just about accepting that fact that I really am A Fool - it helps to not take myself quite so seriously.

0. The Fool

I shall (hopefully) keep sharing my progress on the project on my instagram, so feel free to follow me there if you’d like to stay in the loopdy loop :3