I have an unpopular opinion that I haven’t seen shared anywhere else on the Internet, but I’m feeling it and my sharing of it does harm to nobody, I think, so I shall share.
I’m getting a little tired of the therapy-talk. Part of that includes the constant blaming of caregivers and overuse of certain words and phrases, like unmet needs.
I don’t want to sound like an insensitive heartless fascist in my saying this. Because honestly, it’s really cool that my generation has come to adopt this language of healing; we are becoming a generation of communicators, pattern breakers, and healthy relationship seekers. I have learned a lot from it myself. But for some reason, my Instagam explore page is filled with psychology-backed self-help and it’s all sounding the same. I recall The Holistic Psychologist (Nicole LePera) on Instagram being among the first to radicalize the world of self-healing using psychology, and a lot of her language had to do with the body and coming back to it (self-regulation) but also with the childhood.
When I went to therapy the one time I did, my therapist brought a lot of my present-day problems back to childhood. And I don’t disagree, a lot of shit does happen during that sensitive period of life that can stay with you forever. I’ve been studying this subject in school, and yes, all the big psychology guys said it first, and it’s backed up by all the research.
But I also know that I continue to be affected by everything that happened to me afterwards, too, like a mid-teens breakup, friends I gained and lost and learned from even later, and other events that left impressions on me as they continue to do. But I also know what kind of a world I’m living in, my context on a communal, societal, and global level. They’re always at work trying to get me to become a useful cog. I can’t possibly boil that pressure down to how good or bad of a job my poor parents did.
But that’s not really my argument, because it’s a rabbithole and I’m not really fact-checking what I’m saying and I had great parents and many people didn’t and I don’t want to invalidate that experience. I just don’t like being given these simple, clear-cut, your caregivers fucked you up, staid explanations. It feels navel-gazey and cyclical and I think it can keep people stuck in the same place.
The reason I’m upset is because, okay, disclaimer: I’m not saying therapy is inherently a bad thing. A lot of people need it, they don’t have people to talk to and they need someone who’s an expert to take their money to listen to them. But a lot of us..we do have people to talk to. It’s like, with the normalization (or rather, enforcement) of therapy, any conversation that veers towards emotionality or darkness is then cut off because someone’s like, okay this is good content for my therapist, I won’t bother you with it.
And I’m just like.. well what am I here for then?
Do we only have friends and family and support systems in order to have a good time with them?
I know this is a slippery slope argument, and people are going to disagree. I’m only talking about people who are functioning humans who have sometimes overwhelming human emotions and relegate conversations around those emotions to a licensed professional. I’m taking issue with outsourcing our helplines. I’ve started talking about certain issues I have and more than once I’ve been asked, do you go to therapy? You should go to therapy.
And yes I’ve reconsidered it. But I know I’m a healthy girl, I journal all the time, I do all the things therapists tell you to do. I try my best to practice the self-awareness that therapists want you to do anyway. And at the end of the day, therapy is a tool, right? But it’s an expensive tool. And I’m worried that it’s replacing the depth of existing human connection.
I don’t want to talk to a therapist about this thing that’s bothering me, I want to talk to you, whoever you are, because you know me. Sigh.
I feel like I’ve had to constantly give disclaimers on this post because I’m afraid to offend, but hey… my feelings are valid, are they not? (That’s what my therapist would tell me anyway.)
i agree with what you have to say. At times i have also felt therapy to replace healthy , politically sound conversations that should take place in families, between friends , at work too. However i do feel that not being able to articulate ones thoughts is a setback but then only practice can make one ... better...maybe ?? maybe not???
This was such a lovely and refreshing read! I do want to talk to you and not have you sent to a therapist just because. No matter how useful therapy may be, it’s not the ultimate solution for any “big emotion” talks!! So thanks for this reminder :)